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Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

so this is where you can post any art related type things! i bet you couldn't have figured that out for yourself, huh! "I" still needs uppercase you dummy - oh yeah!? fight me!
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raekuul
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Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 4 years ago

Posting this for combined feedback and "finish plz"es.
The Hobbit, by JRR Tolkien wrote:Narrator:
"Long years ago, in the relatively peaceful Third Age of Middle Earth, there lived in the Shire a hobbit."

Bilbo:
"I'm Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit."

Narrator:
"This is his story."

Gandalf:
"I'm Gandalf, also known as Mithrandir, also known as Tharkun. These Thirteen dwarves need you to be number Fourteen for their expedition."

Thorin:
"Tharkun, why can't you be Number Fourteen? This tetchy little Hobbit doesn't look like he's taken one step outside of Hobbiton, let alone the Shire."

Gandalf:
"Because Reasons. So are you in?"

Bilbo:
"Yeah, sure, just make sure you wake me up in the morning."

Bilbo:
*Snoring*
"Oh no, I overslept. Sorry for slowing you all down."

Bombur:
"Shush, Trolls."

Bilbo:
"Outside the Green Dragon? That's unusual for this time of year."

Tom:
"I'ma eat those there Dwarves."

Bert:
"I'ma eat all those Dwarves my way."

Bill?:
"Nope, yer both gunna eat the Dwarves my way!"

Bill:
"Who said that?"

Bert?:
"Oh no, we argued until SUNRISE!"

Thorin:
"And now Thorin leads! Swords for Everyone!"

Bombur:
"There's only three swords here, plus most of us already have weapons."

Bilbo:
"Then Thorin, Gandalf, and myself each get one. By the way, Gandalf, how did you do that thing with the trolls?"

Tom?:
"That's just how I troll."

Gandalf:
"Now, let's go visit Elrond in Rivendell."

Bilbo:
"Why?"

Thorin:
"He's the only one I know who can read my grandfather's handwriting."

Narrator:
"And so the company of fifteen passed eastwards to the eastern borders of Eriador, at Rivendell."

Bilbo:
"Why is the Narrator still here?"

Elrond:
"Mithrandir! Why in Melian's name did you bring - is that Thorin Oakenshield?"

Thorin:
"I see my reputation precedes me."

Bilbo:
"Oooh! He has the original edition of Quenya for Dummies! Yoink!"

Elrond:
"Be careful with that, it was my father's."

Gandalf:
"We need you to read this map for us."

Elrond:
"And you can't read it yourself because...?"

Bombur:
"Thror wrote it."

Elrond:
"And you expect me to do better. Ah well, where is it?"

Bilbo:
"Cool, a map! Yoink!"

Gandalf:
"Hey!"

Elrond:
"I don't see anything, Mithrandir."

Bilbo:
"It says 'Stand by the gray stone as the Thrush knocks and the setting sun with the last light of Durin's Day will shine upon the Keyhole.'"

Thorin:
"Oh, so it's just the instructions for entering the old Back Door."

Bombur:
"You sound disappointed."

Thorin:
"Well, yeah. Thror's father Dain survived the Frost Drakes, so I was hoping the methods for victory had been passed down the family line somehow."

Elrond:
"Goodbye, Thorin Oakenshield. Don't be a stranger."

Bilbo:
"Wait, we're fighting frost drakes?"

Thorin:
"Ah, don't worry about frost drakes. Just a Dragon is all."

Bilbo:
"We're fighting a Dragon!?"

Gandalf:
"No, not fighting. Not directly. You've been hired to burglarize one."

Bilbo:
"I have to STEAL from a DRAGON?"

Thorin:
"You have any better ideas for recovering the Arkenstone?"

Bilbo:
"Lovely. Exactly how much did I get hired at?"

Thorin:
"You'll be entitled to roughly 7% of whatever the Dragon hasn't yet eaten of the Treasury of Thror."

Bombur:
"In reality you'll receive slightly more than that as Thorin's got a strong sense of Royal Generosity and will probably grant you a boon from his share."

Bilbo:
"Layman's terms, how rich?"

Bombur:
"You'll have enough to buy the Mathom House in Michel Delving."

Thorin:
"Naturally you only get paid if we succeed and you survive."

Bilbo:
"I'll think of something, don't worry."

Gandalf:
"Shush. It's time to do the Misty Mountain Hop."

Bilbo:
"Won't that trigger Content ID Matching and make this unwatchable in Germany?"

Thorin:
"Only if we use the actual song. Now HUSH!"

Great Goblin:
"Welcome to the Misty Mountains. If you'd like, we can guide YURK~!!"

Bombur:
"Was that wise?"

Gandalf:
"Now that he's dead we can pass through the tunnels unhindered - and more importantly, untracked."

Goblins:
"We are Goblino Montoya. You killed our father. Prepare to die."

Thorin:
"You were saying?"

*NICE ABSCOND*
*SPOOF ROLL*

Bilbo:
"Hup, lost my footing-ing-ing!"

Thorin:
"Bombur, grab Bilbo!"

Bombur:
"Fili's right there, why can't he do it?"

Thorin:
"Who?"

Bilbo:
"AAAAAAAaaaaaa..."
*thunk*
"Where am I?... is that a Precious?"

Gollum:
"My Precioussss..."

Bilbo:
"Urk. Better take this and vanish!"

*NICE... UH... ABSCOND?*

Gollum:
"NUUUUUUU My Preciousss...."

Bilbo:
"I hope there was a good reason for having me split from the group like that. Also for some reason I'm now invisible."

Goblins:
"We hear someone!"

Bilbo:
"Time to go!"

Gandalf:
"Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we made it out alive and, as luck would have it, on the correct side of the Mountains."

Thorin:
"What's the bad news?"

Gandalf:
"You lost my Hobbit!"

Bilbo:
"No they haven't, I've been here the whole time."

Bombur:
"How did you... ah, never mind, I'm sure it's not important. Meanwhile, the Goblins are still on our tail."

Gandalf:
"I have an idea! Everybody into the trees, I'll light a signal fire so that the Eagles will see us!"

Bilbo:
"Out of WHAT?"

Goblins:
"BURN THE TREES!"

Thorin:
"...apparently out of us. Bombur, help Bilbo up!"

Bombur:
"Why can't Kili do it?"

Thorin:
"Who?"

Eagle Chaplain:
"Olorin! Why is the forest on fire?"

Gandalf:
"No time to explain, get us out of here please thanks."

Goblins:
"Gahrahar! Blasted eagles stealing our kills."

Eagle Captain:
"Olorin, glad to see you again. How is Aiwendil?"

Gandalf:
"You'll be able to ask him directly in about a week, when we gather at Rhosgobel to cast Sauron out of southern Mirkwood."

Bilbo:
"I'm officially confused. Where is Rhosgobel?"

Bombur:
"We're all confused at this point. It's probably just the Maiar equivalent of small talk."

Gandalf:
"Planning the removal of Sauron from his outpost in Mirkwood is not 'Small Talk'."

Thorin:
"You're absolutely right, it's not small talk. Can we have a lift to Erebor?"

Eagle Captain:
"Sorry, but only Windlord Gwaihir is strong enough to carry people that distance, and anyway we'd get shot down by Thranduil's Elves if we tried. We can get you as far east as the Carrock."

Bombur:
"We'll take it. May your gold always flow."

Thorin:
"I could have gotten them to take us as far as Mirkwood itself."

Beorn:
"And skip my introduction?"

Bilbo:
"Whoa holy crap you're huge."

Beorn:
"And Mithrandir here is singlehandedly responsible for igniting the Goblin Muster in this adaptation."

Gandalf:
"I regret nothing."

Beorn:
"Take these Ponies and ride them north to Mirkwood Gate."

Fluttershy:
"Um, Mister Beorn, sir? I think I may be in the wrong parody..."

Beorn:
"Sorry. Take THESE ponies..."

Maplehoof:
"Neigh."

Beorn:
"And ride them north to Mirkwood Gate. Mithrandir, see that they return to me safely. I'll meet you at Rhosgobel, and the rest of you during the Battle that will inevitably result from Mithrandir's rash action."

Gandalf:
"Thank you, Beorn. Bilbo, once I leave you'll be in charge of getting these dwarves safely to Erebor."

Bilbo:
"Me? Why not Thorin? He's the Heir to the Throne of Thror."

Bombur:
"Do you really trust Thorin 'I don't know my own companions' names' Oakenshield?"

Thorin:
"Who?"

Bilbo:
"Good point."

Gandalf:
"Don't drink any water you come across without boiling it first, and STAY ON THE PATH. Of late, Thranduil's elves have become extremely..."

Bombur:
"Paranoid? Distrustful? Racist?"

Gandalf:
"Yes. To all three. But there are also giant spiders that will hunt anything that strays from the path. I'll see you on the other side."

Thorin:
"Farewell, Gandalf."

Bilbo:
"Trolls, Goblins, Giant Spiders, Xenophobic Elves, and a Dragon at the end of all of it. Did I leave anything out, or is there a giant dwarf-eating whale in Long Lake that we haven't mentioned yet?"

Bombur:
"For a Baggins, you're taking it all rather well."

Bilbo:
"I figure we're more than halfway done at this point. Plus I have blood right to the Thainship of the Shire through my mother's side, though Ferumbras is next in line due to it being patrilineal except in extreme circumstances. I want to say I'm fifteenth down the line, more if he has a new brother or son I don't yet know about."

*SPLASH*

Bombur:
"Well, Thorin just fell face-first into a river and probably swallowed half of it while floating downstream into Spider and/or Elven Territory. Does anyone actually have a problem with this?"

Bilbo:
"He still has the back door key, so we do need him. If we don't rescue him, either the elves will capture him or the spiders will eat him."

Spider:
"EaT WhO?"

Bilbo:
"RUN!"

*SPOOF ROLL*
*NICE ABSCOND*

Bilbo:
"Alright, is everyone *else* present and accounted for?"

Bombur:
"Just you and me right now, boss. Everyone else got caught rescuing Thorin."

Bilbo:
*SIGH*
"Caught... by who?"

Bombur:
"The spiders."

Bilbo:
"Alright. You distract them while I recover the others."

Bombur:
"Why me?"

Bilbo:
"Aside from the fact that you're the only other person not otherwise entangled? I have a Precious that can make me invisible. Plus you can carry a tune."

Bombur:
"And because I'm fat."

Bilbo:
"That too, but mostly the other things I said. Now SING!"

Bombur:
"Ohhh~
I'm from Erebor and I'm okay~
I sleep all night and I work all day~"

Spiders:
"He's from Erebor and He's Okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!"

Bombur:
"I mine for gold, and Mythril too;
and sometimes work with Tin!
On Wednesdays I go smithing,
and eat cram out of the bin!"

Spiders:
"He mines for gold, and Mythril too;
and sometimes works with Tin!
On Wednesdays he goes smithing,
and eayugh we're being stabbed!"

Bombur:
"'and eayugh we're being stabbed'? I don't think that's what they were supposed to sing."

Bilbo:
"The others are free now. The only one missing is Thorin - still - and given that in chasing after him we surprised the spiders, he probably got captured by Elves. Also I'm naming my sword 'Maegnas'."

Bombur:
"Why not Sting?"

Bilbo:
"Sting isn't as pretentiously elvish as Maegnas."

Legolas:
"Who goes there!? Oh, it's just a pack of dwarves."

Bombur:
"Yes. A pack of dwarves. And nothing else."

Legolas:
"Unfortunately Thranduil has decreed that all trespassers are to be imprisoned, so it's off to the dungeons for you."

Bilbo:
"Luckily I'm still invisible thanks to the Precious, so I can sneak around their hive and maybe even rescue the dwarves."

Legolas:
"Okay, bring Thorin up to Thranduil's throne so we can interrogate him."

Bilbo:
"Well that's stupidly convenient. While they're doing that, I'll see if I can find the other dwarves."

Bombur:
"We're right here."

Bilbo:
"Yep, gonna explore the dungeons below and see if any of the Dwarves are being held near the kitchens."

Bombur:
"Whatever."

Legolas:
"Thorin told us everything. Thranduil's basically holding you all hostage unless Thorin agrees to share the booty."

Bombur:
"So then you know about our secret weapon."

Legolas:
"Yes, actually. A giant crossbow, made out of old mining tools, with the bolt capped by the Arkenstone, fired directly into the beast's chest."

Bombur:
"First, that's not even close to correct for this adaptation, let alone canonical. Second, I doubt any of the listeners even knew before now that Gene Deitch did a half-baked adaptation of this story in 1966 just to make money back from his boss's ill-conceived purchase of the film rights, so that probably went over everybody's heads anyway. Third, Thorin would never use the Arkenstone in such a bizarre manner. And fourth, a crossbow that size would rightly be called a Ballista."

Bilbo:
"Your cellar guard is drunk out of his wits, by the way."

Legolas:
"Who said that? Wait, the cellar guard is drunk out of his wits? I must correct that!"

Thorin:
"Yeah, so I've decided that Thranduil gets Bombur's share. He's offered to take us as far as Lake Town."

Bombur:
"So then whose share do I get?"

Bilbo:
"I'll split my share with you."

Bard:
"Welcome to Laketown."

Mayo:
"Yes, Welcome to Laketown. Please don't have the magic dragon smoke us like bad Longbottom Leaf."

Bilbo:
"Why do you know about Longbottom Leaf? That's a Shire thing and we're well out of Eriador at this point, let alone Arnor."

Mayo:
"Some corporation called Curumo Enterprises exports it out this way. Fairly expensive, too, though not as expensive as Athelas."

Bilbo:
"But it grows anywhere. Literally anywhere. I grew some in a dark basement one year as an experiment, no sunlight at all, best Leaf I ever smoked."

Bombur:
"We're probably going to anger the Dragon no matter what, so please make preparations to preserve the people of Lake Town."

Mayo:
"Then give us part of the hoard if you succeed. We'll need it to rebuild Esgaroth."

Bombur:
"You'll need to talk to Thorin to negotiate such a payment. I'm just the cook."

Thorin:
"We don't have time to haggle, Durin's Day is next week and it'll take us about that long to get to the Back Door from here. You can have Bombur's share."

Bombur:
"No, he can't have my share, you've already promised it to Thranduil. He can have Balin's share."

Thorin:
"Who?"

Mayo:
"That works. See you when you get back."

Bilbo:
"What exactly is Durin's Day, anyway?"

Bombur:
"Durin's Day is a day of remembrance for Dwarves at the end of the year, on the first day of the last moon of Autumn. There's supposedly some ancient magic that only makes itself known on Durin's Day during years in which Arda is positioned just such that the Moon and Sun appear in the sky at the same time."

Bilbo:
"Isn't that called an Eclipse?"

Bombur:
"Only when one blots out the other. Having the sun and moon in the sky at the same time is a fair bit more common than an Eclipse, and is considerably simpler. The only thing that makes it special for Durin's Day is that it doesn't always coincide with the Dwarven Calendar."

Thorin:
"This is the place."

Bilbo:
"First of all, that's the shortest week I've ever had. Secondly, how can you tell this is the place? It looks like everything else on this mountain."

Thorin:
"Because this is the only spot where you can see Ravenhill, Esgaroth, and Dale without having to turn your head. Plus the keyhole's right there."

Bilbo:
"So, what precisely do you want me to steal?"

Thorin:
"The Arkenstone, if you can."

Bilbo:
"Why, so we can mount it on a humongous crossbow bolt?"

Bombur:
"Can we please stop referring to that? It's not like it's even going to work, let alone be the actual plan."

Thorin:
"Actually yes. We're going to shoot Smaug with a giant crossbow bolt tipped with the Arkenstone."

Bombur:
"What."

Bilbo:
"Also what."

Thorin:
"...you do know that I'm kidding, right? I just don't want to risk losing it once he inevitably wakes up."

Bilbo:
"Okay, so what does it look like?"

Thorin:
"You'll know it when you see it."

Bilbo:
"What, is it literally shaped like a heart?"

Bombur:
"Surprisingly, yes, made of Diamond and blessed with the light of Earendil's Star as reflected in the Mirror of Galadriel."

Bilbo:
"Well that simplifies things a bit. Big diamond that glows with a pale imitation of a pale imitation of a pale imitation of a pale imitation of the light of The Two Trees."

Narrator:
"And so Bilbo bravely bothered the boisterous breather of blazes, the superciliously sinister devourer of dwarves, Smaug the Incomparable."

Bilbo:
"Except that as he's asleep, we don't rightly need to flatter him quite yet. Although I don't see anything glowing with The Light From Before The Stars or any imitation thereof, pale or otherwise."

Smaug:
"Mmmm... come here Crackle... Zzzz... come here to Smaugy, you naughty girl..."

Narrator:
"You were saying?"

Bilbo:
"...Okay, that's it. I've had enough, I'm officially vetoing my involvement in this adaptation as of that. I was told there would be exactly one of those references, and then only because of the situation calling for the joke almost perfectly."

Smaug:
"As though anyone would catch my throwaway on their first pass. Besides, canonically I eat all six of the Esgarothian ponies you bring with you and that's just begging for the joke."

Bilbo:
"That is the exact one I was promised would be the only one. That bit at Beorn's was already trying my patience, but we needed to introduce Beorn and establish his presence in this in preparation for the Deus Ex Machina that we end up having. And anyway, aren't you supposed to sleep through this first encounter?"

Smaug:
"As soon as I close my eyes again you'll make off with Thrain's Goblet or the Arkenstone or something else genuinely valuable."

Bilbo:
"But how could I manage to steal anything from one as perceptive as you, oh mighty Smaug?"

Smaug:
"Since we seem to have gotten in character once more, try your feeble flattery attempt again, little lunchling."

Bilbo:
"Ahm... how could I filch fine things from such a fearsome foe as yourself, o Smaug the Stupendous?"

Smaug:
"That's better, my invisible interloper, my meaty morsel who's scent is surprisingly similar to Master Morgoth's most magical minion."

Bilbo:
"Isn't that laying it on a bit thick? I'm sure it can't be easy to come up with such amazing alliterations on the fly, especially if you continue to throw them around so..."

Smaug:
"Frustratingly frequently?"

Bilbo:
"Yeah, that."

Smaug:
"It's largely a matter of me getting paid beyond sitting on the Horde of Thror. Speaking of which, you should probably put the Arkenstone back where I had it - it has strange affects upon the hearts of dwarves and there's no guarantee that Thorin would play nice if it was missing."

Bilbo:
"How will you be being paid since you get killed over Esgaroth?"

Smaug:
"The guy making this adaptation promised me a position in the next life."

Bilbo:
"Really? Doing what?"

Smaug:
"I get to be an Ionian Star Dragon for a while, then after that I get to guard an abandoned elf mine."

Bilbo:
"Elves have mines?"

Smaug:
"Surprisingly, it's not only dwarves that have a fierce desire for legendary metals, though Tolkienesque elves generally are able to restrain their desires enough to not awaken ancient horrors in the process."

Bilbo:
"I see. Well, I had best be off. It doesn't do to linger overmuch while in the company of a ravenous ravager such as yourself."

Smaug:
"Don't make a habit of it. And tell Olorin that his plan worked."

Bilbo:
"Believe me, I won't."

Thorin:
"Welcome back. Did you get-"

Bilbo:
"Here, take the Arkenstone. Dragon's awake and will probably be very angry once he finds out I didn't put the Arkenstone back like he told me to. Is everyone accounted for?"

Thorin:
"...what."

Bombur:
"Also what."

Thorin:
"Well I should have expected a degree of success once Bombur told me that you also have a Precious. This, however, is success beyond my wildest expectations - I thought that you'd have retrieved the old Crown of Dale or even the Cup of Thror like you did in canon. How'd you do it?"

Bilbo:
"I promised him the six ponies from Esgaroth we rode up on as dinner."

Bombur:
"We didn't have any ponies on our way up here from Esgaroth."

Bilbo:
"Yes, but he didn't know that. Oooh, he's going to be even more upset."

Bombur:
"It's a good thing we offered to share the loot so that they can rebuild."

Thorin?:
"WHO DARES TO CLAIM A SHARE OF MY TREASURE? THEY DIDN'T HAVE CONTRACTS!"

Bilbo:
"...this could be bad."

Bombur:
"Um, Thorin, did you by chance happen to have your Father's Precious on your hand despite not actually having it in canon?"

Thorin?:
"YES. IT IS MINE BY BIRTHRIGHT, THE LAST OF THE SEVEN RINGS GRANTED TO DWARVES BY THE ANCIENT ARTISAN-SMITHS OF NUMENOR AND EREGION."

Bilbo:
"Well, on the plus side, it looks like some of the more stubborn peoples of Esgaroth managed to kill the dragon while we were having that continuity snarl."

Thorin?:
"AS WELL THEY SHOULD. ONE LESS THIEF TO TRY AND CLAIM MY TREASURE FOR THEIR OWN."

Bombur:
"And should they come to claim a perfectly justified share of the treasure by virtue of having slain Smaug?"

Thorin?:
"THERE WAS NO BOUNTY. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANY BOUNTY. THE BOUNTY WAS JUST A MYTH."

Bilbo:
"...I can't fault him for that statement, he never promised anyone a bonus share of the treasure for slaying Smaug."

Thorin?:
"NOW, SEND FORTH THE MESSENGER RAVENS TO THE IRON HILLS, WHERE DAIN IRONFOOT RESTS. HE MAY SHARE IN MY HORDE, FOR HE IS OF MY KINSHIP."

Bombur:
"Bilbo, if you would please fix this?"

Bilbo:
"He'll kill me if I take the Arkenstone from him, and I doubt I can get away with defingering him."

Thorin?:
"WHO DARES DEFINGER THE ARKENSTONE?"

Bombur:
"It's either that or an extended siege. With him in this state of mind nobody will survive the ending."

Bilbo:
"That would be bad, yes. Though dear cousin Otho would love to know that I got myself killed off for real doing something stupid."

Thorin?:
"WHO?"

Bilbo:
"Glad to see some things never change. I've dispatched the messenger ravens as you have asked. Also, that Arkenstone is actually a cleverly disguised carriage clock."

Thorin:
"Then throw it out and get me the real one."

Bombur:
"Why did that work?"

Bilbo:
"It's best not to question it."

Bard:
"Hello! May we speak with Thorin Oakenshield? I've come to call upon my claim to a share of the horde."

Mayo:
"We need to build a new Esgaroth."

Thranduil:
"I've come to collect my share of the horde as well."

Thorin:
"Who are these people and why are they claiming part of the horde?"

Bombur:
"You promised Thranduil my share of the horde, and you promised the peoples of Esgaroth Balin's share."

Bilbo:
"Technically you promised them both Bombur's share, but Bombur talked you into offering Balin's share to the Esgarothers."

Thorin:
"Thranduil threw me in prison, so he's not getting any share. I'll start counting out the Esgarothers' share. Maybe I'll find the real Arkenstone while I'm down there too."

Bilbo:
"I'm gonna go talk to Thranduil and give him a heads up. See you in a bit."

Thorin:
"Don't be a stranger."

Legolas:
"Who are you and why do you smell of brimstone?"

Bilbo:
"Bilbo Baggins, professional hobbit. Thorin's refusing to give Thranduil a share outright so I figured I'd employ some leverage."

Gandalf:
"And what, pray tell, would that leverage be?"

Bilbo:
"Thorin when crazy when I gave him the Arkenstone earlier, so I told him it was a fake and took it back. I'm hoping giving it to Thranduil will encourage him to negotiate."

Thranduil:
"What's an Arkenstone?"

Gandalf:
"A large heart-shaped diamond, blessed with the light of Earendil's Star as reflected in the Mirror of Galadriel."

Thranduil:
"Oh, so a pale imitation of-"

Bilbo:
"I already did that joke. Here you go."

Thranduil:
"But no living elf would want it. It's an imitation of the Mirror of Galadriel as it reflects the light from Earendil's star, which itself is an imitation of the Silmarils, which themselves are a pale imitation of that glorious light of the Two Trees that lingers on the edge of our memories."

Bilbo:
"But Thorin does want it, and I'll wager my share of the treasure that he'll pay handsomely for its safe return."

Thranduil:
"And why are you so certain that Thorin will pay you? He's refused to pay me."

Bilbo:
"I have a contract. I've had one since the start of the story. I'm going to sneak back to Erebor and the dwarves. Please keep my involvement in your procurement of the Arkenstone a secret; Thorin is still wearing his Grandfather's precious and I'd rather claim my share of the treasure before he gets the bad news."

Gandalf:
"I'm quite worried as to how Thorin came by his family heirloom. I could have sworn it had been destroyed around the time of the fall of Moria."

Bilbo:
"Well, we can ask him tomorrow. Also we sent word to the Iron Hills that Smaug has perished. Thorin wanted me to tell Dain that he had a share of the horde but I left that bit out."

Gandalf:
"It's just as well. The Goblin Muster has completed and the armies of Mount Gundabad are marching on Erebor. We need all the help we can get."

Bilbo:
"That reminds me. I have a message for you from Smaug. 'Your plan worked.'"

Gandalf:
"Considering that the goblins are marching here instead of towards Rivendell, I should think so. They were going to muster for war anyway, and we needed to draw them away from Arnor. Up until I killed their king, they thought Thorin would be rebuilding the Throne of Durin out west."

Bilbo:
"Wait, they would have mustered anyway?"

Gandalf:
"We Five Wizards found war plans when we sacked Dol Guldur. The goblins were tasked with the extinction of the line of Durin, and were promised the surviving Dwarven Rings for their efforts. We had suspected for a while that the Goblins would be the enemy's army of first resort, but we never thought he would use Thorin as an excuse to march on Rivendell. It is fortune that Thorin chose the year of the Goblin Muster to reclaim his ancestral homeland."

Bilbo:
"And the fact that each wizard is sponsored by a Valar has nothing to do with that coincidence, I'm sure. I'm out of here, for real this time."
Last edited by raekuul on 17 Dec 2015, 12:50, edited 5 times in total.

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby Piter Lauchy » 4 years ago

This is a fine parody, but stuff like this makes one appreciate good story-telling even more.
You're awesome.

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby bkamakaze » 4 years ago

makes me wanna bring back talkhaus reads purely for this
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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby Willhart » 4 years ago

That was awesome. I've never read something written like that before. It's literally like from a theater script or something.

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 4 years ago

Piter Lauchy wrote:This is a fine parody, but stuff like this makes one appreciate good story-telling even more.
Thank you! Both goals achieved, I think.
bkamakaze wrote:makes me wanna bring back talkhaus reads purely for this
I thought Talkhaus Reads was going to record "Why The F*ck Won't You Eat?" next.
Willhart wrote:That was awesome. I've never read something written like that before. It's literally like from a theater script or something.
It's actually designed around being voice recorded (hence the lack of roughly fifteen characters), and in fact the main reason I'm going with a distinct lack of female voices is because I don't want to try (and fail) to sound like a girl. Most all of you have heard my voice at some point, that just won't happen. That'll be a bit of a problem if I ever do get to Mossflower because Tsarmina and Bella of Brockhall.

And yeah, The Hob still isn't done yet, I need to get through the ending. Oh boy killing off a speaking character because I have to realign with the canon, good times.

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby Clamestarebla » 4 years ago

bkamakaze wrote:makes me wanna bring back talkhaus reads purely for this
I make a pretty badass Gandalf voice for y'alls information
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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 4 years ago

I'm re-reading this to get a feel for how I need to proceed, and oh MAN is that beginning section weak.

Not that there's a lot to go off of given the source material, but still.

NEW MATERIAL BELOW!
Thorin?:
"WHO DARES TO CLAIM A SHARE OF MY TREASURE? THEY DIDN'T HAVE CONTRACTS!"

Bilbo:
"...this could be bad."

Bombur:
"Um, Thorin, did you by chance happen to have your Father's Precious on your hand despite not actually having it in canon?"

Thorin?:
"YES. IT IS MINE BY BIRTHRIGHT, THE LAST OF THE SEVEN RINGS GRANTED TO DWARVES BY THE ANCIENT ARTISAN-SMITHS OF NUMENOR AND EREGION."

Bilbo:
"Well, on the plus side, it looks like some of the more stubborn peoples of Esgaroth managed to kill the dragon while we were having that continuity snarl."

Thorin?:
"AS WELL THEY SHOULD. ONE LESS THIEF TO TRY AND CLAIM MY TREASURE FOR THEIR OWN."

Bombur:
"And should they come to claim a perfectly justified share of the treasure by virtue of having slain Smaug?"

Thorin?:
"THERE WAS NO BOUNTY. THERE HAS NEVER BEEN ANY BOUNTY. THE BOUNTY WAS JUST A MYTH."

Bilbo:
"...I can't fault him for that statement, he never promised anyone a bonus share of the treasure for slaying Smaug."

Thorin?:
"NOW, SEND FORTH THE MESSENGER RAVENS TO THE IRON HILLS, WHERE DAIN IRONFOOT RESTS. HE MAY SHARE IN MY HORDE, FOR HE IS OF MY KINSHIP."

Bombur:
"Bilbo, if you would please fix this?"

Bilbo:
"He'll kill me if I take the Arkenstone from him, and I doubt I can get away with defingering him."

Thorin?:
"WHO DARES DEFINGER THE ARKENSTONE?"

Bombur:
"It's either this or an extended siege. With him in this state of mind nobody will survive the ending."

Bilbo:
"That would be bad, yes. Though dear cousin Otho would love to know that I got myself killed off for real doing something stupid."

Thorin?:
"WHO?"

Bilbo:
"Glad to see some things never change. I've dispatched the messenger ravens as you have asked. Also, that Arkenstone is actually a cleverly disguised carriage clock."

Thorin:
"Then throw it out and get me the real one."

Bombur:
"Why did that work?"

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 4 years ago

This post has been rescinded due to it was a response to a now-deleted post.
Last edited by raekuul on 17 Dec 2015, 12:46, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 3 years ago

New Content!
Bilbo:
"It's best not to question it."

Bard:
"Hello! May we speak with Thorin Oakenshield? I've come to call upon my claim to a share of the horde."

Mayo:
"We need to build a new Esgaroth."

Thranduil:
"I've come to collect my share of the horde as well."

Thorin:
"Who are these people and why are they claiming part of the horde?"

Bombur:
"You promised Thranduil my share of the horde, and you promised the peoples of Esgaroth Balin's share."

Bilbo:
"Technically you promised them both Bombur's share, but Bombur talked you into offering Balin's share to the Esgarothers."

Thorin:
"Thranduil threw me in prison, so he's not getting any share. I'll start counting out the Esgarothers' share. Maybe I'll find the real Arkenstone while I'm down there too."

Bilbo:
"I'm gonna go talk to Thranduil and give him a heads up. See you in a bit."

Thorin:
"Don't be a stranger."

Legolas:
"Who are you and why do you smell of brimstone?"

Bilbo:
"Bilbo Baggins, professional hobbit. Thorin's refusing to give Thranduil a share outright so I figured I'd employ some leverage."

Gandalf:
"And what, pray tell, would that leverage be?"

Bilbo:
"Thorin when crazy when I gave him the Arkenstone earlier, so I told him it was a fake and took it back. I'm hoping giving it to Thranduil will encourage him to negotiate."

Thranduil:
"What's an Arkenstone?"

Gandalf:
"A large heart-shaped diamond, blessed with the light of Earendil's Star as reflected in the Mirror of Galadriel."

Thranduil:
"Oh, so a pale imitation of-"

Bilbo:
"I already did that joke. Here you go."

Thranduil:
"But no living elf would want it. It's an imitation of the Mirror of Galadriel as it reflects the light from Earendil's star, which itself is an imitation of the Silmarils, which themselves are a pale imitation of that glorious light of the Two Trees that lingers on the edge of our memories."

Bilbo:
"But Thorin does want it, and I'll wager my share of the treasure that he'll pay handsomely for its safe return."

Thranduil:
"And why are you so certain that Thorin will pay you? He's refused to pay me."

Bilbo:
"I have a contract. I've had one since the start of the story. I'm going to sneak back to Erebor and the dwarves. Please keep my involvement in your procurement of the Arkenstone a secret; Thorin is still wearing his Grandfather's precious and I'd rather claim my share of the treasure before he gets the bad news."

Gandalf:
"I'm quite worried as to how Thorin came by his family heirloom. I could have sworn it had been destroyed around the time of the fall of Moria."

Bilbo:
"Well, we can ask him tomorrow. Also we sent word to the Iron Hills that Smaug has perished. Thorin wanted me to tell Dain that he had a share of the horde but I left that bit out."

Gandalf:
"It's just as well. The Goblin Muster has completed and the armies of Mount Gundabad are marching on Erebor. We need all the help we can get."

Bilbo:
"That reminds me. I have a message for you from Smaug. 'Your plan worked.'"

Gandalf:
"Considering that the goblins are marching here instead of towards Rivendell, I should think so. They were going to muster for war anyway, and we needed to draw them away from Arnor. Up until I killed their king, they thought Thorin would be rebuilding the Throne of Durin out west."

Bilbo:
"Wait, they would have mustered anyway?"

Gandalf:
"We Five Wizards found war plans when we sacked Dol Guldur. The goblins were tasked with the extinction of the line of Durin, and were promised the surviving Dwarven Rings for their efforts. We had suspected for a while that the Goblins would be the enemy's army of first resort, but we never thought he would use Thorin as an excuse to march on Rivendell. It is fortune that Thorin chose the year of the Goblin Muster to reclaim his ancestral homeland."

Bilbo:
"And the fact that each wizard is sponsored by a Valar has nothing to do with that coincidence, I'm sure. I'm out of here, for real this time."

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 2 years ago

Content?!?!?
Bombur:
"Welcome back."

Bilbo:
"We need to fortify the mountain against the Goblin Muster."

Thorin:
"What Goblin Muster?"

Bilbo:
"Do you remember how Gandalf angered all of the goblins as we were passing through the Misty Mountains? They're kind of still murderously angry over that."

Thorin:
"And this has to do with us... why?"

Bilbo:
"The Goblins thought Gandalf was still with us and are marching here for his head on a platter right now."

Thorin:
"Never mind the fact that he's a demigod. Are you sure they aren't just marching because they're Goblins?"

Bilbo:
"If I understood Gandalf right, he was using us as bait to get them to march away from Rivendell instead of towards it."

Thorin:
"Remind me to punch Tharkun in the nose later. I can't be too mad about it, it makes sense tactically since we're within a day's march of the Iron Hills, plus Thranduil's elves and the men of Esgaroth are practically already here. Still, it's not fun being bait."

Bilbo:
"Can I have my share of the treasure now?"

Thorin:
"I already know you gave the Arkenstone to Thranduil so that I don't endanger everyone during the forthcoming seige, so... not yet. But I will grant you a boon of some mithril chain armor since that's at least something that will keep you ALIVE until we figure out exactly how much your tanned hide is worth."

Bilbo:
"Damn, I almost got away with it."

Dain:
"Hail cousin, and well met. Did you know you have armies camped out on your doorstep?"

Thorin:
"Yours makes three. We're expecting actual hostiles in the next couple of days, Tharkun used me as bait in a trap for what is apparently every combat-ready Goblin in Arnor and Gondor."

Dain:
"I thought you were killing Smaug or something?"

Thorin:
"That was our original intention, yes. And before you ask, I've already claimed a punch to Tharkun's nose."

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 2 years ago

Narrator:
"And so, with the Writer of This Adaptation at a loss as for how to further adapt things, the Erebor Alliance was born. The following night, at the first meeting of the Alliance, Gandalf was punched in the nose by Thorin. Nobody complained."

Thorin:
"...and our plan is to win as quickly as possible."

Bilbo:
"That doesn't sound like a particularly workable plan."

Brad:
"Our spies report that the Goblins are not bringing any siegecraft."

Mayo:
"We can win if we make it a siege."

Dain:
"Erebor is not self-sufficient, a siege would still starve us out. And no other nearby location is as easy to defend."

Bilbo:
"In contrast, Rivendell is naturally fortified, easily reinforced, and is self-sufficient. Which in the absence of siegecraft would make it the perfect place to force a siege."

Gandalf:
"Quiet, you."

Thranduil:
"How can we be certain that there will be no siegecraft?"

Brad:
"They're moving too quickly to be bringing catapults or ballistae, and there's nowhere to effectively operate a battering ram. We've also been watching for Mûmakil movement, but it would seem that the Enemy doesn't trust the goblins to not eat them."

Bilbo:
"What are Mûmakil?"

Mayo:
"So then in theory we could bluff a siege and then wait for the cavalry to arrive?"

Dain:
"If they call the bluff we're all dead. We cannot even risk a siege as we are not self-sufficient. We will get starved out. No, we have to win as quickly as possible."

Thranduil:
"Which direction will they be approaching from?"

Brad:
"Our spies indicate that they will be coming from the north."

Bilbo:
"This isn't even a particularly funny sequence, they're just war planning."

WoTA:
"Yes, but since aggressions were averted in this adaptation, we need to do something between your meeting with Thranduil and the beginning of the battle."

Bilbo:
"That and you are no good at writing battle sequences."

WoTA:
"That too."

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Re: Compressed Storytelling! [WIP: The Hobbit]

Postby raekuul » 1 year ago

Bilbo:
"This isn't even a particularly funny sequence, they're just war planning."

Narrator:
"Yes, but since aggressions were averted in this adaptation, we need to do something between your meeting with Thranduil and the beginning of the battle."

Bilbo:
"That and the writer is no good at writing battle sequences."

Narrator:
"You try telling a battle sequence using only dialog and occasional narration some time. It's not exactly the easiest thing in the world to do."

Mayo:
"I don't understand. Why can't we win if it becomes a siege?"

Dain:
"There is no source of drinkable water under the mountain. If we force a siege here at Erebor we will die of thirst after only a few days. The food situation is similar but there is enough stockpiled for reinforcements to maybe arrive before food runs out and morale breaks."

Mayo:
"What about the lake? We're sitting in-"

Thranduil:
"Remember the Fall of Doma? The Death of Shorebuck at Salamandastron? The Second Battle of Dragonspear?"

Mayo:
"You're referring to things that, so far as I know, never happened."

Thranduil:
"Oh. Right. Audience familiarity. To explain the examples you could not understand, water sources can be tampered with. While you are correct in stating that there is a lake we can drink from, it is not within the reinforcable perimeter, which means we will get cut off from it in a siege. It can also be *poisoned.*"

Mayo:
"That's not why I brought up the lake. The water for the lake has to come from *somewhere,* else it would be dry by now. Wasn't there once a river running from the front door of Erebor? I remember there used to be one long ago. We're camped in its valley right now, in fact."

Gandalf:
"Yes, the River Running. Thror, Thorin's Grandfather, bound it shut with his Precious when Smaug captured the mountain. It is too bad that the Precious of Thrain is lost to us, since only with that or the One Ring could we unbind the river and make this place unsiegeable. In the presence of the river, Erebor is more easily defended since the Mountain itself is our walls. Catapults and Ballistae would only damage the upper levels - the lower ones would remain safe."

Bilbo:
"But Thorin *does* have his Grandfather's Precious. Somehow. That was why I had to give the Arkenstone to Thranduil in this adaptation, remember? To keep Thorin from murder everyone?"

Thorin:
"And you wouldn't like me when I'm murder everyone."

Dain:
"But that does not change the *food* situation. The reinforcements would have to break the siege from the outside if they were to save us from starvation - we would only be able to keep the goblins at bay. Though with the water situation now changed, we can bluff a siege, risk them calling the bluff, and *not* be guaranteed death."

Thranduil:
"Hm... is there then no way to make a siege work in our favor from the word go?"

Thorin:
"Your elves would need to not be in the middle of the fighting when the siege begins. When the fighting begins, you could harrass the siege - if you can break the siege and establish a line of supply before the Cavalry arrives, all the better, but even if fronts get established having the Elves on the outside rather than the inside will dramatically improve our odds of surviving a siege."

Thranduil:
"At the expense of my elves."

Thorin:
"You would rather they be here and starving rather than outside and supplied?"

Dain:
"The food supply will stretch much farther if we don't have to feed the Elves from our stock. Between that and unbinding the river we should be able to survive a siege long enough for The Cavalry to arrive."

Brad:
"What of Laketown? If we leave it undefended then the Goblins will simply march there instead of here and capture it. I do not care to see my town made a second Minas Morgul."

Thorin:
"He raises a good point. If we leave Laketown undefended then that only strengthens the Goblins."

Dain:
"I will need to review the map of Erebor to see how well just the Dwarven army can fortify it, but that sounds a very workable plan. With just the dwarven army, plus Tharkun and this... hundutamamun? With that group here at Erebor we could withstand a month-long besiegement on our current supply, and with the Goblin army committed to besiegement they'll be vulnerable to harrasment."

Bilbo:
"'Hundutamamun'?"

Bombur:
"'Person of the Hill's Halls.' I think. Dain's accent is... weird, and there's no real Khuzdul word for Hobbit. I'm pretty sure he just made that up on the spot."

Dain:
"'Hobbit.' Right, that's the word I was searching for. Thank you, Bombur."

Narrator:
"That night, the armies of Laketown and Greenwood withdrew to and garrisoned at Laketown while the Army of Dain fortified Erebor. Thorin's company undid the seal on the River Running at the onset of battle, not only ensuring fresh water for the siege but also flooding out the goblins who had encamped at the Council Site - the River Running flowed strong and true. On the second day of battle Kili and Fili were slain in an assault on Ravenhill, and Thorin bought enough time for the armies of Laketown and Greenwood to arrive by challenging Bolg-Son-of-Azog to single combat. He was gravely wounded, but was still able to direct the dwarves thanks to the power of his grandfather's Precious. The third day was much like the second. On the fourth day of the battle, the Bodyguard of Bolg turned their attention to Thranduil and his army, and would have overwhelmed them had it not been for Beorn's arrival - as well as the Cavalry, a small squadron of Eagles who could drop boulders from the mountain onto the Goblins. Beorn, like Thorin, challenged Bolg to single combat - but Bolg did not survive the fight this time. Goblin historians would later claim that Beorn cheated, and Beorn himself would only smile and claim 'Bolg blinked.'"

Bilbo:
"And that is a very brief summary of what happened. Now, Thorin is dying and I'd rather get a pardon from him while he's still alive rather than risk becoming a person of ill repute here in Erebor for my part in keeping him from murder everyone."


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