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Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

The second SMBX collab!
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Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

Story documentation on the wiki:
http://asmbxt.wikia.com/wiki/Episode_2/Plot

Script drafts and chatlogs for each world:
World 0, World 1, World 2, World 3, World 4, World 5, World 6, World 7, World 8, World 9, Hub/R.E.T.C.O.N.

So here's how we're generally going to go about things:
  • After discussing a given cutscene or set of cutscenes on Skype, one person will draft up a script on pastebin and post a link to it in this thread with a short summary of what happens.
  • After folks have given enough feedback here in this thread, another writer whips up a revision of the script based on that feedback and posts the new version here for review. If no other writer steps up to revise the script within a week or two of the draft being posted, the the same writer may write the revision.
  • Once a script has had at least two one revision and been approved by SAJ, we can start making the scene in SMBX. Any cutscenes made without going through the revision process will be modified to match the approved script.
  • Further discussion can still be had after a script is approved, and if something happens that necessitates a revision (i.e. a major plot point is changed or a castle/boss is replaced) the related script(s) will go back through the review process.
-------------------------------------------------

To start us off, here's the first drafts for the cutscenes related to Broadsword's subplot with Iris:

EOW3-1 cutscenes, draft 1
http://pastebin.com/GkQkXh7N

Broadsword meets up with the heroes and asks them to help him search a temple for a powerful artifact and they split up. Iris and Kood distrust Broadsword but Demo goes on ahead, later meeting up with her uncle. While they wait for the rest of the crew to show up the two have a friendly over for a super leek Broadsword found, and after Demo wins Broadsword confides in her that he and the other Uncles are planning something.

EOW6 cutscenes, draft 1
http://pastebin.com/NzWRzf4F

Iris chases after and confronts Broadsword, who is appalled by the other Uncles' corrupting the world. He reveals the Uncles' plan to restore the cyclops race and tries to stop Iris and Demo form getting any further involved, but Iris is eager to take out her resentment on Broadsword for being neglected in favor of Demo. After the two fight, the other Uncles arrive and Broadsword questions their plan, leading Pumpernickel, Rewind and Denmark to continue the plan without him and @sbestos.
Last edited by Rockythechao on 03 Oct 2016, 23:51, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

EOW4 cutscenes, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/BAHPyHc1

@sbestos tries and fails to deter our heroes, eventually confronting them and threatening to summon a mercenary to stop them. When his goon fails to appear the inflatable doormat is forced to fight for the acceptance of his brothers-in-law.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Hoeloe » 1 year ago

Rockythechao wrote:EOW4 cutscenes, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/BAHPyHc1

@sbestos tries and fails to deter our heroes, eventually confronting them and threatening to summon a mercenary to stop them. When his goon fails to appear the inflatable doormat is forced to fight for the acceptance of his brothers-in-law.
I like this a lot. Lots of amusing content without much unnecessary padding.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby SAJewers » 1 year ago

Yeah, I'd say go with that.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

Buncha new scripts incoming! I left in some unverified details -- like, did we ever reach a decision on whether the character moving the crew through the first world would be a chronoton, Feed or Calleoca? -- as well as parts I felt were a bit weak/unnecessary all as possible points of discussion.


Intro and W0 cutscenes, 2nd draft (originals by Hoeloe)
http://pastebin.com/Pg4TcSCj

In an alternate universe from Ep. 1, Demo and company are having a picnic and they decide to play hide and seek for the last chicken wing. Sheath makes her way through the Post-Production Void to the new universe, bringing with her memories from the old universe... as well as causing the destruction of this new universe. After failing to escape the unraveling of reality the crew is rescued by a mysterious robot bird with time powers, who tasks them with collecting super leeks and sends them off to World 1.

EOW1 cutscene and W1-W2 intermission, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/Kj9a6zf0

A Chronoton arrives to pick up the first super leek and explains a bit of the crew's predicament, promising to reveal more later before sending Demo and company to the next world. Meanwhile, Garish and his army are restored to reality.

W2-W3 intermission, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/hPepJfzX

After Demo and company deposit the second super leek in the R.E.T.C.O.N. the game cuts away to an ominous conversation between two unseen figures, eventually revealed to be Pandamona and Noctel. Having lost much of her power in the process of escaping from her original universe and entering this one, Panda seeks a means to restore it so she can escape the mysterious shadowy prison she's trapped in; after being told the first super leek was lost, Panda orders Noctel to hunt down another one.

W3-W4 intermission, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/WXg1eZUk
After Demo and company deposit the thirs super leek in the R.E.T.C.O.N. the game cuts away to a meeting between Broadsword and the other uncles. They discuss their nieces' roles as potential spanners in their plans and decide they cannot let Demo and Iris continue on their quest, leaving @sbestos with the task of deterring the crew through nonviolent means.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Hoeloe » 1 year ago

Rockythechao wrote:Intro and W0 cutscenes, 2nd draft (originals by Hoeloe)
http://pastebin.com/Pg4TcSCj
This new draft cut a couple of things that makes it much more confusing. There's no indication, for example, that what is happening takes place in a parallel universe - that needs to be made clear from the outset so that the jokes in that first scene make sense.

Also you took out the "At some point in time in a universe somewhere..." from the Star Wars intro :(

Otherwise, this is really nice and sets up the game very well, just needs that extra bit of clarity near the start I think.

Rockythechao wrote:EOW1 cutscene and W1-W2 intermission, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/Kj9a6zf0
Having said that, I think we may produce better pacing in this scene by not just dumping everything at the start. Specifically, I'd have the characters NOT go through a portal to travel to world 2, especially as that doesn't quite work with the whole "go through the hub" thing for the rest of the game.

Instead, I'd have them hand over the leek and be warped without any action on their part - not through a portal but by the environment changing around them. I think we could draw people in a bit better by having a whole "woah, what just happened" moment, for both players and the protagonists. We could then have a scene at the end of the W2 intro stage to show Garish and Mishi reappearing, before you enter the town and have what happened explained to you (namely that, as the universe is stitched up, there are "glitches" that cause sudden shifts in time, and you got stuck in the middle of one). You can then be invited to take the Super Leeks to the hub yourself from then on to avoid it happening again.

Basically the key point is that, after the end of world 1, you are suddenly seemingly teleported with no explanation, and you're going through the world 2 intro level without knowing what just happened.

It's only a small difference, but I think it just spreads out the information a little better, so you don't get "BAM PLOTDUMP" right at the start.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

EOW7 cutscenes, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/SHNSVTtm

Broadsword and the crew storm Rewind's leek soup cannery "Temporal Power Plant" in hopes of stopping the R.E.B.O.O.T. from being fully powered. They make their way to the center of the facility and are ambushed by Rewind, who reveals his disdain for the heroes. The crew fight and defeat him, but they are too late to stop the operations and are forced to continue to the next world.

--------------------------------------------
Hoeloe wrote:Stuff I should've responded to way sooner
Yeah, the expodump was one of the bigger flaws I decided to leave in in hopes of someone coming up with a better solution, and your take on it sounds way more interesting and palatable. We should probably do that for the transition between W0 and W1 as well, though I'm guessing you were implying as much.

Unnecessary elaboration on that:
I was operating under the assumption that W2's town would be roughly at the halfway point, not a few levels after W1's (I really should've checked the level orders on the wiki) so I tried to pace the information accordingly when writing that scene to avoid something like the lull in plot Ep. 1 had with W2 and W3... only for it to fall into the same trap Ep. 1 did with its' first few cutscenes. And my use of the old "in English?" cliche was pretty much putting a band-aid on a broken arm.


Also, if we're going to have the scene of Garish and Mishi reappearing at the end of the W2 intro level...
This:
From the outline breakdown on the wiki wrote:
Soon after entering the new world Demo and crew happen upon a military camp and witness Garish barking orders to his troops, learning that he has fashioned himself the king of the Chronotons stationed in the area and they've decided to humor him.

Should probably be changed to a cutscene at the start of Attack of the Slime Monsters. Here's the current plan:

Demo and company approach and hear Garish trying to give a speech while Mishi and his generals make unhelpful interjections. The crew moves behind one of the bushes to eavesdrop and discuss how to handle the situation, but the generals pick up on their scent (since "This level is canon" establishes that stuff) and find them. Garish furiously sics all the tanks on the crew, then he and the generals retreat to the back of the platoon.


The stuff with the Chronotons can just be conveyed through NPC dialogue in town, maybe with a couple of them joking about the whole situation.


One last thing:
Word bubbles will be within cinematX's and textblox's version lock for Ep. 2, as well as colored and bold/italic-formatted text (hence the additional formatting in the recent scripts). Switching from the current subtitle system to word bubbles will allow us to do scenes like this, this, this and this, so I've been writing with that in mind.

For example, we could handle Garish's speech in the eavesdropping scene as a parallel background conversation as the crew talks among themselves like the Paper Jam scene does with the two Bowsers' fight dialogue.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

Hub cutscenes, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/rxztaLbw

Covers the introduction to the game's hub and the sequences featuring the player depositing the super leeks into the R.E.T.C.O.N. and unlocking new worlds. Like previous scripts I'm sure there's stuff in here that can be further condensed, and I'm including some elements that haven't been finalized or agreed upon yet (such as a tentative name for the hub, "Chronoport Prime") to fuel discussion on those things.

--------------------------------------------

I should have a draft for the EOW8 scenes ready soon as well, but in the meantime everyone please share any thoughts or suggestions you have on this one, even if you haven't been all that involved in this game's development. Every bit of feedback helps.
Last edited by Rockythechao on 30 Sep 2016, 20:43, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

EOW8 cutscenes, 1st draft
http://pastebin.com/UhMWgaTw

Uncle Broadsword brings the crew to the R.E.B.O.O.T., which they discover has been haphazardly renovated since Broadsword was last there. After making their way through the complex and confronting Pumpernickel, he reveals his true chaotic chessmaster nature and his plans to use the R.E.B.O.O.T. to unmake existence and BECOME THE UNIVERSE. Demo and crew fight and defeat Pumpernickel and shut down the machine, then they and Broadsword have a mock credits sequence before the Chronotons alert them to a serious problem.

--------------------------------------------

There was a bit of characterization I wanted to give Pumpernickel that didn't make the cut: the idea was that since he's a physical embodiment of chaos he hates the ABCD race due to their orderly acronym and surreal-yet-still-grounded-in-some-form-of-logic nature. I couldn't figure out a way to work it in that would feel natural without overcomplicating the scene or dragging out the dialogue to the point it'd kill the pacing. Even now it still feels like I've railroaded the characters' responses to keep the scene relatively short, and that's something I hope whoever tackles the first revision of this script can fix.

End of game cutscenes draft 1 coming later, maybe sometime next week.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby MoneyMan » 1 year ago

I'd say for at least the latest script, the biggest problem I can see is "sentence flow," if that makes sense. Like, some sentences go on too long and the joke/other emotion is weakened for it. If you don't mind, do you think I could take a crack at editing it a little? If not it's A-OK, I understand not wanting someone to just jump in without them really having been involved beforehand.

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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Hoeloe » 1 year ago

MoneyMan wrote:I'd say for at least the latest script, the biggest problem I can see is "sentence flow," if that makes sense. Like, some sentences go on too long and the joke/other emotion is weakened for it. If you don't mind, do you think I could take a crack at editing it a little? If not it's A-OK, I understand not wanting someone to just jump in without them really having been involved beforehand.
I don't know, I thought it read pretty well. It's worth noting that things will be a lot snappier than in there because of the lack of scene direction in the final thing.

Maybe one or two lines could be more concise, but not much more than that.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby MoneyMan » 1 year ago

Hoeloe wrote:
MoneyMan wrote:I'd say for at least the latest script, the biggest problem I can see is "sentence flow," if that makes sense. Like, some sentences go on too long and the joke/other emotion is weakened for it. If you don't mind, do you think I could take a crack at editing it a little? If not it's A-OK, I understand not wanting someone to just jump in without them really having been involved beforehand.
I don't know, I thought it read pretty well. It's worth noting that things will be a lot snappier than in there because of the lack of scene direction in the final thing.

Maybe one or two lines could be more concise, but not much more than that.
I'm honestly making it sound a lot worse in that post than it actually is, it's mostly just a word here or there that slows things down, or maybe a line that could be worded just a taaaaad differently to be more effective. I dunno, I'm just hypersensitive to that sort of thing. It's still plenty good.

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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

I tend to be the same way with dialogue other people write :lol:
Feel free to post the improved lines and we can use them in the next revision.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby MoneyMan » 1 year ago

Here ya go
http://pastebin.com/NURX6zcn

I did change one or two lines a bit more than others, but if you don't like the changes feel free to not use any part you don't want to, no problem.

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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Hoeloe » 1 year ago

Seems fine to me except for one part. I slightly prefer Rocky's phrasing in the line
Yeah, usually when people open with that line, the thing in question ends up underwhelming at best.
Though the pacing is a bit over-long. Perhaps a compromise with:
Yeah, usually the whole "try it, you'll like it" bit ends up underwhelming at best.
Which uses the sentence structure from your version, with the wording from Rocky's
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

Well, I mean, Iris isn't saying the the "try it, you'll like it" sales pitch itself is underwhelming but that it's usually a red flag for an underwhelming product. Perhaps something like this?
Iris wrote:Yeah, opening with the whole "try it, you'll like it" bit just invites disappointment.
Likewise, some of the other edits change the tone or meaning of the line. "Our futures lie with" vs "The future of the ABCD race lies with", for example. And with Pumpernickel's lines after the reveal of his personality I wanted to downplay the formal element of his speech to really emphasize the contrast in personality, hence "do I really have to" instead of "must I really", "like me" instead of "such as myself", etc.

That said, I do like some of these better than the originals and you caught a few typos as well. Of course, it's all up to whichever writer does the next revision... given the rules we set it's supposed to be someone else on the writing team since the intent was that the same writer can't do two versions of a script in a row, though considering I've been doing the bulk of the writing I may just amend the rules...
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby MoneyMan » 1 year ago

Rockythechao wrote: Likewise, some of the other edits change the tone or meaning of the line. "Our futures lie with" vs "The future of the ABCD race lies with", for example.
The main reason I changed it there is because it'd already been pretty well established that they're talking about the ABCD race, and I wanted to avoid things getting repetitive. I meant Broadsword to mean "our" as the ABCDs collectively, not the two of them personally, but there's probably a better way to get that across. The rest of the points are solid though, but that's just the one I felt the need to clarify.

Edit: I also noticed we both misspelled "surprised" on line 175

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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Hoeloe » 1 year ago

Rockythechao wrote:Well, I mean, Iris isn't saying the the "try it, you'll like it" sales pitch itself is underwhelming but that it's usually a red flag for an underwhelming product.
Yeah, but that's what that statement means thanks to the "ends up". We can change it if you think this is better, I just personally prefer the line as it was before.
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby Rockythechao » 1 year ago

I don't think I've ever heard "ends up" being used as a modifier for the pronoun before.

Personally I don't mind whether we use "ends up underwhelming" or "invites disappointment", it just feels awkward when the sentence is vague about its' subject or gives mixed signals on the matter. To me the "ends with" compromise and the "us vs our people" thing come across as something like "Our sandwiches are finished. We will be delicious." For all I know it could be grammatically or colloquially (if that's the right word?) correct, but it doesn't sound right.

idk. For me writing is more an intuitive process and part of that intuition is striking a balance between clarity and brevity. But between these two cases I do wonder if I'm being too rigid or literal-minded or something...
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Re: Episode 2 Cutscene Feedback/Revision thread (SPOILERS)

Postby MoneyMan » 1 year ago

Maybe something like
Yeah, usually the whole "try it, you'll like it" bit ends up carrying some hidden costs
would work better? I dunno.


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