raocow's talkhaus

thanks to an 'anonymous' tip, turns out i can grab that treasure now
and to be honest, i probably should've figured it out
since it has a location marker, which other chests on the map that you cant access dont have



voila!
welcome to invisible path city!




geez that's a lot of money


time to spend it all, yo
sturg goes vampire hunting


rocky goes undercover as a bus chair



a 2, 5 and a 6 means tanky, flowerface and swordlady are comin' with me


and a 2 means it's imp-time for longer


since that event was very short, lets pad this spoiler out a little with some...



...quiz action!



okay ill attempt to, yknow, get a photo this time


a special parade! just for me! :D



oh god two 8flights
what horrible reality is this



nope! i'd definitely remember a dragon






i'd like to point out the 'you won the quiz' music is fantastic
shame it only plays over like, 2 lines of dialogue


WIN A GAME
PLAY ANOTHER GAME
IN A GAME

we're gettin' real close to raocow's stronghold now
look at it over there
all menacing and DUMB


the time has come

for sturg to reveal his true potential


of cranky tank grandpa!


man i have not heard that in quite some time, bk


sturg, as a traditional old man, talked for so long that its now nighttime


my inner australian is showing again


kapus no
where did you even get that we're on a castle


you brought this evil onto us, you eat it


turns out it was edible!
YOU WIN THIS TIME, KAPUS...



BACK TO ADVENTURE



everyone knows raocow hides his banana's in his front yard
that way he doesnt have to pay the banana tax


finally, some actual action



this just in: Griffons Eat Munitions


not enough to stall the oncoming doom!

d-d-d-double kill!
when sturg hits all of his shot's his pretty dang strong



great odds on the wheel this time around

it looks like one of those ringpops glued to a stick


time to show off one of the better ways to make money


selling the weapons you get from this gives you the full cost of it in gold
which is quite a lot of dosh, yo


and that gives us enough money to fund mikko's wedding!




more imps, and a team of ivy, sturg and kapus for the grand opening of the castle

knock knock cowman, we come bringing gifts

gifts of PAIN


get a load of these doofy losers


welp game over guys

kinda weird that the game would have multiple endings one after another with the same conclusion



okay no im not doing the same joke again

but the game seems to have no problem doing it again


team number one is comprised of bk, rocky, calamari and sturg



a very short lived gap between inns, but rules are rules
it's princess time!


i've got full confidence in either team, so lets get in there!


rocky's way to excited for this


it's just like my house! :D


this man is half tank, half grandpa and he's scared of a little ol' building



rocky's such a nice friend
and totally not being nice to cover the fact that he ate sturg's dinner already


yes, let the squishy popstar protect the guy with actual miliary grade defenses
theres a metaphor here somewhere, but im not gonna look for it


they hugged and cried for like, an hour
calamari and i just kinda stood and watched


of course raocow would employ his oldest and most trusted ally
split paths


man, the ONE TIME i didnt get rolled the imp class



hey!
that's MY move!
i have a patent and everything!


SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!


millions dead


and the final blow gets stolen by a cat



imps love money, so of course they're guarding it


double imp grandmas



geez, the damage is kinda worrying
we need better armour, yo



brace for massive damage!






this relationship is definitely not rocky



daww, what a cute sentiment



that is the rudest thing ive ever seen
holy crap sturg


so, chunks huh?



man these dice really love the imp, dont they?
who can blame them though, its adorable


time to finish the fight


some mini and medium imps


nothing a boxing cat can't handle


geez, the experience here is nuts
bk and calamari level up, yo



we can tick these off the list


more grandmas!



the main strategy for this team
is 'bum jab and encore calamari and let him do buttloads of damage and also sturg is there i guess'


oh geez
oh geez
s-sturg?
are you...
are you wearing pants under there?



its never a bad time for some princess

We go basically every direction that's not the one we need to!



AND THEN YOU BLOW UP!
.TALKHAUS

the way we're suppose to go is very clearly upwards
so let's delay that for a bit and go left



oh no! my hubris!


oh hey, banshees are here too
though to be honest i shouldnt be surprised



calamari is always out for blood


bk said something like 'oh i believe its time to rest one's eyes' or something
and i missed the imp doing the animation for the heart-dipping

bk that fan is much too big

tadah!
isnt that the most EXCITING skill?!?!



rocky uses his amazing bus seat powers to finish off the enemies


sturg levels up from that


split paths up in here! (up in here!)


sturg's old man abilities are showing, again


rocky with the attempted murder!


or should i say, mudder


who says 'soz' out loud anyway

darned kids


grandma and her daughter have come to fight the children



new age music confuses and hurts the elderly!
also getting smacked in the face with a microphone hurts quite a lot too



man, that looks delicious


sturg and calamari now know each other's names


aight, time for level clearing



welcome to the shadow realm, calamari!
now you must journey to the heart and defeat the TRUE villain, Garfield!



okay no not really
instead you can bump into sturg's ample man-chest


rocky and i just let this happen


oh hey, its our old friend, mr reaper!



okay okay great start great start


one sprinkle boosting session later



turns out we didnt even need uh...

that


you gotta spend money to equip money, yo



listen

listen



that never happened


we're stickin' with princess for a little bit more


alright, time to get the spoils of the sidepath



first off, some sorely needed cash
we were running dangerously low, yo



second, a VERY dapper tux for our music boy



oh okay, when it's like, 25% i can get the equipment
alright roulette, whatever you say


its... its perfect

:o



time to get impy with it

with that out of the way, time to get back to the critical path


real estate is really cheap if you buy land in a unlivable hellscape


that's what i think every time i see a big house, tbh



that's slavery!
that's unforgivable!







enjl? wait i know someone with that name


uh oh

oh no! it's a pair of hair trimmers!


geez, enjl got really swole while we were away
and blue


he brought a couple of imps with him, too
they were on special



boss time? time to bust out the old whispers




rocky isnt scared of anything
this is a fact


let's get this DPS party STARTED




never stop attacking! FULL POWER!




did i say you could stop? KEEP GOIN'!


i didnt manage to get this frame on the last one

oh
well
i guess that's one way to stop the pain train


oh man he's like a real cat

pats for the weird furry friend

well i mean
this isnt really the best time but sure


one turn in the naughty corner brings our powerhouse back to his senses


NOW TO GET BACK IN THERE



and with that, the beast is slain


you owe me one, nerdface!


We get a boatload of experience, and rocky levels up from it



please dont yell things like that people might get the wrong idea


you were just in the way! i-its not like i wanted to save you or anything >3>



naps are very important!!


back at the inn, calamari and sturg posthumously warn each other that a demon exists


more imping to be had yet, folks


since calamari has been with us the longest (and he was kidna broken in that last fight)
let's let enjl have a turn for a bit


event space!



that's the kinda phrase that causes a transition of so-







back at the entrance, ivy and kapus have been sitting there for a good two days now


our team on this half, is kapus, mikkofier and ivy
dps, a healer and some crowd control, a pretty decent lineup to be honest




god dammit



*cough* i-i mean, yay first try

The B Team set's out to rejoin the pack!



THAT WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA
MY TALKHAUS GIRLFRIEND

with the others at the meetup point, time for us to catch up!


guys we JUST STARTED



you've taken a whole FIVE STEPS


nothing says 'calm down' like a guy wearing a grandma's quilt


oh okay that was easy


first level kicks off with a split path


old lady impface brought her pet butterflies out to play


fortunately, kapus has no problem brutally stabbing a grandmother


ivy's been on the piss again


>:3c



:o!


well that was... straightforward


two split paths in a row? what is this, mass effect?



this one at least led us to a tick(et) in a box



look
roulette guy
i know we've had our differences, but this is getting silly


time to get back in there and clear this thing out, yo


oh jeez not you
mr. reaper's angry that we murdered his grandma

Whimsical Calamari wrote: i'm not too concerned, as long as i get to see the combination of ivy + cocaine

NOW IS THE TIME



oh uh
that could have gone better


one dosage of revival sprinkles later
NOW IS THE TIME


oh
thats kinda underwhelming


even when he's coke'd out of his mind, he still cares about kapus




oh god that face



this uh
is going poorly


mikko to the rescue!




it did absolutely nothing! :D


the demon swings and murders mikko for his transgressions


our lives are on the line!
it's time to bust out the final solution!
the secret technique!





...



okay, let's take it from the top


cocaine boost everybody


have mikko die (definitely part of the plan i promise)


stab the motherfucker



does this look like the face of mercy?


i-i mean, *ahem* now we can progress, yay!



our reward for all of that? one (1) candy



we did, however, hit 1100 rescues, so we are awarded with EVEN MORE SPRINKLES


mikko and kapus now vaguely know each other's names
though i did hear him call her 'carapace' a few times




just met? time to GET SWOLE


do plants have muscles?
i thought it was like, sinew and stuff


the warning was 'mikko look out you're about to break your arms!'
and it came a bit too late

with that level beaten, not one, but TWO treasure spots open up for us!



oh no! it turns out his greatest treasure was his friends ALL ALONG


how did all of you fit in a box


kicking things off with a boosted kapus


it turns out griffons are allergic to being stabbed in the face!
who knew?


this image doesnt have much to do with the fight but it was too funny to leave out



ive never been to a wedding, but i assume getting murdered with the bouquet is normal



we found raocow's laundry money
he has a lot of spooky robes that need washing


we have seen two
two chests



i mean
we kinda broke into this dude's house and proceeded to steal all his shit


who's the REAL bad guy, huh?



everything must go!


greed is a deadly sin...


>:)


and that's that, treasure room #1 done


oh jesus
the way he gyrates his hips makes this an incredibly unpleasant situation


i forgot to take a picture of the map so here's an expertly edited version
lets get the other treasure!


hopefully clothes



was it this thread
are we all living secretly on kapus's shoulder?!



free tickets, hell yeah
dunno why you'd choose to store them in your treasure room, but hey
one man's gambling resources are another man's box fillers
that's how that saying goes, right



we're 50/50 for trapped chests
this is a terrible treasure room


they came flying out like one of those prank snake can things
except with skeletons and a treasure chest



yknow it's real refreshing to bring back the megumeme


mikko takes all the credit



the rng gods are taking pity on me now


man kapus almost looks like a real knight now

With all of rao's treasure collected, we wander ever closer to the rest of the party!



AND NOW... IT'S PUNISHMENT TIIIIIIME~♫
TALKHAUS NO NAYAMI

judging by the distance between bk's last level, i'd say we've got a boss coming up


the REAL boss is a moral choice!


i feel like we made the right choice


free sky candy! :D


wait that name sounds familiar


oh no! what has happened to them?!
this is a development that i have not ever seen happen before!!



behold! lat is roleplaying as raocow!
it's kinda like the cut-out fight in dk54


alright kapus, get in there bud


GET 'EM



it seems that lat learned telekinesis while we were seperated



i hope you dont have hayfever!

...well that was underwhelming


meanwhile, kapus continues to wail on them



paintings dont deal well with direct exposure to the elements
neither do timebusters

windy enough to blow their face clean off



it's ya... person
timebuster back in action, yo


all scientists start their day with that question



i think its pretty safe to assume you...
were inside a BOX!
im so smart



me too, mate
me too


they just got here when did they get time to buy a gift


daww
thats adorable as heck


kapus dons a super cute armour suitable for our warrior of adorableness

i forgot to take a picture of the world map so we're diving right into the meetup point


the adorable leaders and their weird, swole companions



the gang's all here! :D


well, almost all here
we're still missing Yelsey!



with more party members, our team order's been rearranged
so from this point onwards we've got:
1. ivy
2. kapus
3. enjl
4. rocky
5. calamari
6. lat
7. sturg
8. mikkofier



since lat and enjl havent seen any action yet, theyve got reserved spots for the first two areas
as for the last person, the die decided on mikkofier


also, imp time is all the time


moving north leads us to another submap
and we're gonna start by taking out the left path



the level starts with some free money!
why can't all areas of life start with this? :c


lat's not used to having legs again yet

enjl sympathises with the whole not having legs thing


thats not a wig
thats just their head painted grey
thats a giant throbbing brain


YOU WOULDNT DARE TELL THEM

HOW COULD YOU?!
I TRUSTED YOU, LAT


banned from the thread
ive been betrayed


looks like this castle has a reskin of the cactus enemies from the desert
they definitely look more menacing, at least


slamming their face into us seems like an effective strategy



hey remember when we had a normal, no-frills healing move? yeah me neither
(nothing strange about that second image no sir)



explosions are every scientist's specialty


and they always level up afterwards
just watch mythbusters, the ending credits is just the noise that happens when jamie levels up


everyone's slowly but surely getting to know one another


sturg decides his old armour was better, but he left it out in the rain now it's all rusty



with all these subjects, we need some royalty to lead them



for the next area, ivy takes out fourth party member slot

the rules for clearing spilt paths still apply to the world map, so time for the right path



bk and lat are arguing over who ate the last of the peanut butter
normally that wouldnt be too big of a deal
but they put the empty jar back in the cupboard!!
the drama!!!



little do they know
it was enjl all along!


they proceeded to beat enjl to within an inch of his life
a great bonding experience!



man, that'll let us buy a BUNCH of peanut butter!


he's been watching that one meme video that shia lebouf made



'doin' it' is 100% illegal in miitopia



if you break the rules reggie fils-aime materializes in your house
and shakes his head disapprovingly




im so sorry yall had to see this
you dont deserve the punishment



it was real bad, folks
real bad


snakes made out of pure silver!
that just seems like a bad idea



normally, snakes eat bugs
this time, the snake IS the bug



oh no! circles! ivy's one weakness!




INSTAKILL, BABY!
enjl's fucking PISSED


and a really anticlimactic finisher from ivy


enjl was our lowest level party member, so it's good he's catching up


after seeing that outfit? of course kapus is concerned


speaking of awful outfits, bloody hell



chef seems to never show up on the dice, but that will never diminish it's cuteness



next time is gonna be enjl, kapus and mikko
three healers, one dps
good

Our split path on the map continues! Two roads, one destiny!



YIPPEE KI YAY
TALES OF TALKHAUS

startin' right where we left off with the right path


double grandma action!


enjl dives right in on the first turn!

and beefs it entirely


dont worry, bk's frying pan is a decent substitute for the might of heaven



welp
sorry fellas, kapus is dead
im gonna have to write a pretty awkward letter to medley now, jeez


either she's still alive down there
or there's a pit demon that sounds a lot like her

so it's a win-win either way


yknow, id probably put a metal gear screenshot here with some butterflies in it or something
but i dunno anything about metal gear so ill just let yall imagine it
this is imagination theatre! you cant expect me to do all the work, geez


the power of teamwork makes short work of these bozos


oh no
double the demon
double the fun
...and we're missing our dps




R U D E


aight, no more mr. nice-pudding



well, there's one of us dead
that's a good start


we hit hard, but not hard enough to take them out in one hit



okay, one down, one to go



mikko goes down too
now it's one on one!


when the battlefield is stacked against you, just remember
'waluigi, number one'

victory is mine!
dont worry guys, your sacrifice was not in vain!


bk, no
dont jinx this


great, you just HAD to say it, didnt you?
now we've got snakes


we sure are getting a lot of use out of these sprinkles



enjl beefs it again




an assisted, coked up mikko is probably our best option for crowd control right now


pfft, i forgot how great that face was

he definitely knows how to make the most out of his relatively low defence



and with a final double kill, mikko clears the last of them out


snakes have quite a lot of hp, but at least they give decent xp


jesus, finally
that was a bit of an endurance run


ivy ran back to neksdor, beat up scribe and took his clothes





a three means i gotta cook up some trouble



lat, kapus/the pit demon that replaced her and sturg are coming this time around

we COULD progress, but y'all know me better by now
time for some clearin'


butterflies?!
OH NO
WHATEEEEEVER SHALL I DOOOOoooOOOooOOO?!







this looks like a lineup in a bowser castle
raocow's stealing other final boss's ideas!



i dunno if we've discovered this yet, but when a bomb explodes
it only hits the enemies on the left and right of it
so anything two spaces away is unaffected


not that it matters, though
since we can just kill that the old fashioned way






fight fire with fire, yo




man the new bomberman game looks great




grandpa candy!


lat was missing like, 10 mp
i couldve just sprinkled that
but its the thought that counts


more towers, more bombs



a wise man once said:
"hit the weak point for massive damage"


oh and uh
kapus helped too i guess


grandpa's still got some generosity left in his soul



hopefully this isnt another beaten up bike


oh great, now enjl's gonna get a persona
i dont think we're ready for that responsibility


sturg then tried to do a backflip and broke his leg
enjl was very impressed


lat's ready to go visit rapture



imp time is all the time


so uh
yknow what i said about 'the equipment request disappears if you change class'?
apparently that was wrong?
it's tied to the class, not the character
so if a character wants armour as one class, they might not want anything on the other
anyway
bk buys some ladies underwear



catman, the holy nerd and meguman are comin' this time around

With both side paths done, time to push forward through the main corridor!



GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
MY NEIGHBOR TALKHAUS

no more distractions, time for the main event!



enjl have you been reading the script?
that knowledge is for EMPLOYEES ONLY



to be honest
that sounds like exactly what raocow would do



signs were on sale


dont looooose yoooour waaaaay~♫


our final missing friend!
and if the previous ones are anything to go by...



yup! it's boss time!


yelsey's eyebrow 'ears' make it look like it's face is strapped on


and he's not alone!
they've got better bloody equipment than WE do



first attack and calamari IMMEDIATELY killed the sword
wasting NO TIME


as expected of a shield, it doesnt do much damage at all


the problem being...

yelsey can respawn his weapons at will



just like in the coryman/owl fight, the sword and shield can do combo attacks


LOAD THE KITTY RAILGUN


AND FIRE!


ivy likes 'em BIG


xxl boopin' action



the kitty railgun never runs out of ammo



thankfully, it seems yelsey can only resummon his minions one at a time
so as long as we can keep killin' 'em faster than he can summon
we'll be good


129? i know that guy



this is turning into 'make calamari do all the work: the game'


the sword goes down again...

only to be recalled a second later



with the goons out of the way and everyone focusing yelsey
i can lower his defence


now here's something i discovered

after the cat does the claw sharpened animation
you can give them hyper sprinkles

and the boost stacks!
M A S S I V E
D A M A G E



and that's more than enough to wipe out this boss!


we killed so many of those bloody swords that the exp is through the roof



ivy and enjl learn upgraded versions of their basic spells


get a load of that loot
damn son


the boy is back in town, yo


phrasing!


no friend left behind :3



there we go! all teammates accounted for



we have a nerd to beat up >:3



we didnt get any money from the boss fight, so instead they just dumped in a chest afterwards



we managed to rack up 1150 rescues, and for that we get more sprinkles and higher security in the naughty corner


lat was impressed with calamari's record breaking damage








we all had to listen to this ALL NIGHT


they recieved a warning from the police shortly after


yelsey's been back 5 minutes and he's already adopted a new clothing fetish








might as well roll another one
get some money for somebody else's equipment


sturgs just really really excited for the next splatfest



we rolled a one, which means princess bk gets some time in the limelight



with a full roster, that means our dice lineup is changed
1. yelsey
2. ivy
3. kapus
4. enjl
5. rocky
6. calamari
7. lat
8. sturg
9. mikkofier



since yelsey hasnt gotten any screentime, his spot is lock in for a bit
the dice are givin' us enjl and kapus for the other two

movin' up leads to yet another submap
this castle is pretty huge


speaking of huge, it's split path time


it's gettin' hot in here (so hot)
so get killed by these nerds


good to see his vacation hadnt dulled his theivery



priests can banish natural disasters to hell
this is a known fact



oh geez this things hurt

oh geez oh geez


i dont know how this is gonna help it not hurt but hey i dont make the rules


thankfully, we managed to beat them before the fire even did any damage


it turns out burning your ass in a tornado is great for your health



the more tickets the better, especially with rising equipment costs


greeeeat
now we've got minotaurs to deal with as regular enemies



and theyre still just as tough as ever, sheesh


i wonder what it could doooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooo?!

its just a better heal
that literally all it is




the speedy speedy speed boy back in action

geez yelsey's frickin' PISSED


another split path
at least this one looks like it'll be easy to clear afterwards



its worth a gorillian food dollars
thats a nonsense statement im very tired please send help


man thats a whole lot of butterflies


let's boost the aoe attacker, see how that goes :3




it goes very well, as it happens
dunno why that one survived but hey

enjl can take care of the leftovers


with one path done, ivy and rocky get a little closer


as do sturg and enjl


rocky uses a high powered shrinking ray to turn a disco ball into a handheld device



bk tries desperately to unglue the frying pan from his face



kapus and mikko lineup for the clearing time


the map is basically a straight shot with two detours that lead back to that path
and since i dealt with both detours
this run will just be a straight line


a straight line with lots of enemies on it


ULTIMATE TEAMWORK STRIKE

by our powers combined,
YOU
ARE
DEAD!



roast beef anyone?


crossroad #2 comes very quickly after #1


return of the butterfly horde




butterflies, as shown repeatedly in this game, are incredibly easy to murder

do not trust this cat


a somewhat normal armour at first glance
but secretly

it's a darker story



back to the cruel regime of princess bk



with yelsey's mandatory runs done, back to fully randomised parties
enjl, calamari and lat will go for this run

Three paths open, so of course we're doing the ones that lead to riches!



LAST SEASON WAS SO MUCH BETTER
TALKHAUS NO TABI